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Monday the 7th of February 2011

3:44 AM (357 days, 3h, 28min ago)

This will be my first time to write how hurt I am.

_{I am currently breaking down. My heart: literally aching. My eyes: crying. I am hurting so bad. Honestly, hindi ko talaga alam kung papano na 'to, kung papano ako makakalabas dito, kung papano mawawala yung sakit. At hindi lang basta sakit. There are no words to describe how painful it is.
Alam kong pareho kaming mali. At ayoko na magsabi pa kung sino mas nagkamali. Ayoko na ungkatin pa yung mga bagay at ayoko ng makealam pa. By that, I mean, ayoko ng ipilit pa kung anong tingin ko or kung ano ang mahalaga sakin. Tutal umpisa pa lang, pinagbibigyan niya na ako. (But the truth is, heart, I am slowly dying and I want to rip you off every time I feel this pain. Hindi ko alam kung papano yun pero bat niya nakakayang idetalye lahat ng pagkukulang at tingin niyang pagkakamali ko sa relationship na 'to? Papano yun? Tinatry ko na gawin yung gusto niya, ayaw niya pa din. Tinatry kong maging ako, mali naman yun. Heart, awang awa na ko sayo. :'( Araw araw, pikit mata ako na parang walang problema. Na parang ok lang sakin na wala siyang trabaho. At oo, mali ako dun. Mali ako na sumuko sa pagsuporta. Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan, mali din ako pag nagsalita ako. Hindi ko alam kung anung mali dun pero siguro hindi yun yung suportang gusto niya. Kaya eto, ginagawa ko na lang yung gusto niya. Heart, hindi ko talaga alam kung anong mangyayari samen. Natatakot ako. Nagdadalawang isip. Napapariwara at nawawalan ng pag-asa. Bibigyan ko siya ng trabaho, ayaw niya. Hindi ako magsasalita, sasama loob niya kasi di ko siya sinusuportahan. Malaking bagay na 'to. Buhay niya na 'to. At buhay ko din 'to.
Magkaiba kami ng gusto at orientation sa mga bagay. At oo, siguro tingin niyo kailangan ng compromise ngayon. I say, mali yun. Mali yun sa mga panahon na 'to dahil hindi mo pwedeng ilagay sa kompormiso ang buhay mo dahil dito nakasalalay ang kaligayahan at kalungkutan mo. I want to say one thing, sa sitwasyon na 'to hindi magiging masaya ang magpaparaya. You cannot sacrifice your happiness just so you could compromise.}

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Thursday the 29th of April 2010

11:35 PM (640 days, 8h, 37min ago)

Homesick.

The last thing I would probably want right now is a good story. A good entry. In fact, this isn't a good read at all. Oh well. World, I need to share this with you.

I don't know how it all started. Just a few hours ago, I got to wear my happy face. And the feeling of excitement. Not because I was going to watch a "good" movie but because I was going to watch a "good" movie with the only person I'd rather spend my time with. We went to watch Kick-ass. Morbid and strangely moving. Moving to the point where violence got me knocked out. 1st probable reason for hating the moment. I got to know HitGirl, the character that everyone adores. Actually, including me but just for that very moment where I forgot that she's not real. And yes, after an hour of all the morbid scene, nonchalant stuff of the "heroes" and the assurance of people's growing fondness to that film made me feel even worse. And that fact where I hate what people love is the 2nd probable reason for hating the moment.

3rd probable reason for hating the moment would be the place. It creeps me out I don't even know why. Maybe because I've heard stories, people that go there. And it's even creepy to see people I barely know. The place. The environment made me a bit smaller than I am. And everywhere is like a closed crippled wall. I can't see myself in there. I can't even stand up straight. I can't contain it. I don't seem to fit in. And there, I miss home. (The weather made a lot worse.)

I was crying, begging to get out of that place. Begging my love to take me somewhere else. To take me somewhere familiar. But my tears won't stop even when I got in the train. Maybe this time I got to experience my first homesick and probably lying in bed makes it a bit better. And some music on. And maybe if I get lucky, I'd have her to cuddle with or a pillow could be the slightest replacement.

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Monday the 18th of January 2010

1:47 AM (742 days, 5h, 25min ago)

SAD

Separation anxiety disorder is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (like a father and mother). It becomes a disorder when the separation reaction becomes strong enough to impair people's ability to conduct their day to day lives and relationships.

Present in all age groups, adult separation anxiety disorder (affecting roughly 7% of adults) is more common than childhood separation anxiety disorder (affecting approximately 4% of children). Separation Anxiety can also occur in dogs, which can lead to chewing for relieving stress. Separation anxiety disorder is often characterized by some of the following symptoms:

    * Recurring distress when separated from the subject of attachment (such as significant other, the    father or the mother, or home)
    * Persistent, excessive worrying about losing the subject of attachment
    * Persistent, excessive worrying that some event will lead to separation from a major attachment
    * Excessive fear about being alone without subject of attachment
    * Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure, like a significant other or mother
    * Recurrent nightmares about separation
    * Crying

Often, separation anxiety disorder is a symptom of a co-morbid condition. Studies show that children suffering from separation anxiety disorder are much more likely to have ADHD, bipolar disorder, panic disorder, and other disorders later in life.

SOURCE:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Separation_anxiety_disorder

-I think I have this.

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Tuesday the 5th of January 2010

10:29 PM (754 days, 8h, 43min ago)

What you do when you know you're not wrong and insisted so you end up being wrong instead.

1st stage: Pride lingers. Anything you see is a failure because you've expected so much. You don't see anything right but you. And you hate the fact that everything's a failure.

2nd stage: You are frustrated. You close your eyes and you can't see forgiveness. You ask yourself if you've done anything wrong. Your heart says yes but you keep on saying NO.

3rd stage: Your whole being accepts you for having the wrong choice, for insisting what's NOT, and for grabbing a sack of pride. But your mind is about to blow up because you keep on thinking that on the 1st stage, you were right but you missed the part of keeping your pride.

4th stage: Whatever you do, you're already immune. Immune of the fact that you did it WRONG. So you try to close your eyes and never think again. FEAR is what's building inside of you. So you withdraw yourself to the world with your mouth shut and squeezed veins and arteries. Your heart can't breathe and so your eyes brought you tears.

3 comment(s) / say something here

Saturday the 2nd of January 2010

12:35 AM (758 days, 6h, 37min ago)

I got them back. :)

Hello journal.
Recently, I've been withdrawing myself from the world. I wasn't shy. I was just aloof. It had been weeks. I honestly don't know why I'm like this. I don't feel how important I am or how special I am. I have loved myself less than I should have. I hate it. I hate the shame, the pride, the guilt. Oh well. I don't know anymore. I'm so tired of figuring out the cause of all of these and of finding what really makes me happy.

Just minutes ago, I was browsing my document folders and I saw this album named AVP. Haha. Weird, all the pictures that I deleted along with my multiply account have all been retrieved in that folder. And how hard it was for me to remember what and where are from those pictures that I saw, it literally made me laugh looking at those old pictures that I've erased. So I'm going to share this to my journal. A photo survey I made to compile all these pictures.

1. A picture of you having a really good time.